Could It Be Any Harder?
by josie1
Summary: *Story Complete* Bosco's POV - What if Faith never told Boz about her cancer?
1. The Beginning of the End?

I can remember that day so clearly in my head no matter how hard I try to force it out. The day both of our lives changed forever. The day my world began to crumble at my feet.  
  
It was a cool, crisp, autumn day. October, to be more exact. October 23. I remember because it was exactly one month before that Thanksgiving pageant that Emily was in at school. I remember the day she told you about it. We had stopped at you house about 2 hours into the shift cause Em had called the station house and you panicked and thought that something was wrong. And we entered you apartment and she had the biggest smile and was talking a mile a minute about having one of the biggest parts in the pageant and how you would make her costume and Fred would take her to rehearsal. She even asked me to come see her. And she was so excited, how could I say no? When we got back into the car, I remember that you said she was going to count on me being there and I swore I would be. I mean, then when she becomes a famous actress, I can say I knew Emily Yokas way back when she starred as 'Pilgrim Woman #3.' You just smiled at me with that cute little half-smirky blush thing that you do when I gush over your kids, and the day went on. And then a few days later, life became complicate.  
  
Like I said, it was October and I was late for work…as usual. I was in such a hurry to get myself together that I didn't notice you in the locker room. I mean, I usually don't notice you cause I'm in such a rush, but that day I noticed that I didn't notice you. But, I figured I was just so late that you couldn't afford to wait for me to get ready. I closed my locker and ran into roll call with mere seconds to spare. Am I good or what? As I sat there listening to the endless drone of the 'high and mighty' Sgt. Christopher, I realized that you weren't sitting in you usual seat. As I looked around, I realized that you weren't sitting in any seat. You weren't here. I knew you didn't have the day off and I got a little worried. I mean, nothing slows you down. Davis must have noticed that I was looking for you because he shrugged his shoulders. He hadn't seen you either. Well, maybe you missed the subway, I thought. Or one of the kids was sick and you would be in late. Or maybe that asshole husband of yours got drunk again and left you to take care of the kids and clean up his mess as well. If he did that to you again, I swear…I let the threat hang as I realized we were dismissed. Christopher called me over to tell me that I was going to ride alone that day since you were MIA. I was signing out my radio when you came running in, out of breath. You looked a little pale too, now that I think about it. And tired. You looked like you hadn't slept in days. But I didn't really notice that then. I was just glad that you were seemingly ok and with me at work. I was signing out your radio as you went on to face the boss. A few minutes later, you met me in the hall and we were on our way.  
  
You didn't speak much in the car. I wasn't sure if you were in a good mood or not, so I decided to test the waters. I talked at random for a while trying to read you, but it was no use. You just sat there leaning our head against the window, quiet as a mouse. The shift was very uneventful, making your silence even more deafening. I wanted to ask you so bad what was wrong, but something told me not to. And I don't know why, but for once I decided to listen to that little voice and wait for you to tell me what was wrong. I had the feeling it was going to be a very long shift.  
  
A few hours into the shift, you finally broke the silence to ask if we could stop and get some coffee. I pulled over in front of that little café on 5th street that you seem to like so much, hoping it would cheer you up a bit. I turned off the engine and got out. You didn't budge. I waited a minute or so, figuring you needed some space. Finally, I walked over and opened you door to see what was going on. What I saw scared me to death.  
  
Your skin was so pale it was almost pure white. Your head was in your hands and your eyes were closed tightly. I squatted down, laid a trembling hand on your knee and softly called your name. The words that exited your mouth as you spoke for only the second time during our shift froze my heart:  
  
"Oh god Boz, it hurts so bad."  
  
I began to panic.  
  
"What hurts?" No response.  
  
"Is it your head?" I guessed. A weak nod was my only reply.  
  
"Want me to get you some asprin or something?" I asked.  
  
I didn't know what else to do. You shook your head and asked me to just help you inside the café. Maybe if you went into the bathroom and splashed some cool water on your face it would help. Helps me sometimes.  
  
Gently, I eased you out of the car and let you test your strength without me. I shouldn't have. You began to sway, and I instinctively reached out to steady you. Your eyes shut tightly again, and with my arms wrapped around your waist to hold you steady, your forehead came to a rest on my shoulder. I was very worried at this point. You needed to go home or to the hospital or something. I eased you to a standing position and before I had a chance to ask you what to do, your eyes locked with mine. In that brief moment that I held your gaze, I read so much pain that I thought my heart would break because you were suffering and I couldn't make it stop or go away. It killed me to see you like that. Then a sudden flash registered in those deep blue eyes calling out to me. You were both begging for my help and apologizing to me at the same time.  
  
Then all to sudden for me to register, your eyes rolled back into your head and you began to collapse. I caught you and panic flooded my veins. "What the hell just happened?" "What's wrong?" "What should I do?" All these questions and more rushed through my head but the only thing that managed to escape my lips was the soft whisper of your name.  
  
"Faith?"  
  
  
  
  
  
Do you like? Should I continue? I beg of you, please review! 


	2. Learning the Truth

Author's note: I just want to thank everyone so much for the wonderful response. I've been reading and loving stories on this site for a while and I finally got up enough courage to post one of my own. And now that I have, I'm going to keep posting, so thank you all again so much!  
  
  
  
  
  
I've always hated hospitals. I mean, most people do but I've just sat in enough waiting rooms to last me a lifetime. I eventually came to expect it with Ma. We were here all the time because "she slipped" or "she fell." And I came to expect it with work too. Being a cop, you're bound to see the inside of quite a few hospitals in your time. If you're lucky, none of those reasons are because of a fellow officer, especially your partner. But there I sat jumping every time someone walked past, waiting to find out what was wrong with my partner. Sully and Davis stopped by at some point. I think they said something, but I wasn't listening. I just couldn't tear my eyes away from the doorway to the room that held you. Fred was there too. I wasn't sure when he got there, nor did I care. I was just waiting for you to walk out and say that everything was ok, you just got a little dizzy from not eating or something.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor finally came out. Fred and I both jumped at this, only Fred didn't seem as anxious as I did. Almost like he was expecting something. Either way, the look on the doctor's dace was not at all encouraging. I remember asking if you were ok, and the doctor hesitating before saying "Yes and no." What the hell did that mean? Either you were ok or you weren't. Before I had a chance to respond, Fred broke in.  
  
"Is it?" he asked.  
  
"Yes," the doctor replied.  
  
"How bad?"  
  
"I'm not going to lie to you. It doesn't look good."  
  
"Hoe long?"  
  
"It's hard to say…"  
  
At this I broke in. "What the hell are you talking about?"  
  
"You don't know?" the doctor asked, surprised.  
  
"No," Fred broke in. "She hasn't told him"  
  
"Told me what?" I demanded. Nothing. "Fred, what the hell is going on?!?"  
  
Neither Fred nor the doctor could look me in the eye. Finally, Fred spoke.  
  
"I think you need to hear it from her, Bosco."  
  
"Hear what?" I was so confused. "What's going on? What's wrong with her?" Nothing. "Can I at least see her?"  
  
The doctor nodded. "I think it would be best while I talk to Fred."  
  
I wanted to protest and know what the doctor was about to tell Fred, but my feet were already running towards your room. I gave a light knock and entered without waiting for a response. You were leaning against the wall staring out the window. I don't think you heard me enter. I watched you for a minute not wanting to startle you, yet dying to know what was wrong. I finally broke the silence.  
  
"Faith?"  
  
You turned to look at me, tears staining your cheeks. I knew right then that it was something big. Bigger than I could've ever imagined. Little did I know the truth that you would soon reveal to me would change everything. You wiped the tears from your eyes and turned back towards the window.  
  
"Oh Boz…" you whispered as the tears once again began to flow. Not knowing what to do, I walked over and put my arm around your shoulders. You shut your eyes as a fresh round of tears threatened to fall. I guided you to the bed, and I remember just sitting there on silence for what seemed like forever. I was really beginning to hate these bouts of silence that had seemed to follow me all of a sudden.  
  
I don't know how long we sat there with your head on my shoulder and my hand rubbing your back. Come to think of it, I don't even know how we ended up like that. But I guess that's not important. What is important is that it managed to calm you down enough that I took the opportunity to finally get to the bottom of things.  
  
"Faith?" I asked. You sat up and looked at me, knowing what was coming while I sat there clueless. "What's wrong?"  
  
You closed your eyes for a minute and I thought you were going to start crying again, but you managed to hold yourself together. You turned to face me and I braced myself for the impact.  
  
"Boz…" you began. Again the tears threatened to fall, and again you pushed them back down. You took a deep breath and continued.  
  
"Boz I'm sick."  
  
I waited for you to continue, but you just sat there looking at me.  
  
"Yeah, I managed to put that much together, Faith. Care to elaborate? You got the flu or something?"  
  
The corners of your mouth turned up a bit, but the faint hint of a smile was gone almost before it appeared. You took my hands in yours at that point and looking down at them, I was scared for what you were about to tell me. You took another deep breath and said the last thing I ever expected or wanted to hear you say.  
  
"Bosco, I have cancer."  
  
My head shot up and I met your gaze. I could feel a lump in my throat and I thought I was going to vomit.  
  
"Cancer?" I finally choked out. You nodded.  
  
"Yes. They found a lump in my breast a few months ago." I'm guessing by your nest words that you saw the hurt and anger in my eyes. "I was going to tell you, but the treatments were going so well that I didn't want to bother you…" You trailed off as my eyes shot at you.  
  
"Bother me? You're seriously ill and you don't tell me because you don't want to bother me?" I cried in pain.  
  
"That's not what I meant Boz…please…" Again, I cut you off.  
  
"Yeah, well if these treatments were working so well ten why are we sitting in a hospital room?" My tome of voice was getting harsher by the minute, but you somehow managed to stay calm with me. But then again, you could always remain calm with me. I still don't know how you did it.  
  
A single tear slid down your cheek as you continued. "A few weeks ago, the treatments suddenly stopped working. The tumor was no longer affected by them." You went ahead and answered my next question before I had a chance to ask it. "Fred and I looked into surgery to remover the tumor, but the doctor who did my consult said that the disease had already entered my bloodstream so surgery was pointless. And since my treatments were no longer working, it's only a matter of time." I looked at you with a blank stare, both not understanding and not accepting.  
  
"So what exactly are you saying here?" The tears that threatened to fall finally did with your next words.  
  
"Bosco, I'm dying."  
  
I have been shot before. I have been beaten pretty badly. I have dealt with a lot of emotional unrest. But I have never felt such a severe pain as I did at that moment.  
  
"No….No…..NO!" I tore away from you and knocked over the hospital tray. "This is not….NO!"  
  
I kicked the bed.  
  
I punched the wall.  
  
Then I can remember screaming as I picked up the chair and repeatedly slammed it against the floor.  
  
I don't know what made me stop, but once I did I looked at your watery eyes and found my way back to the bed through vision blurred by tears waiting to fall.  
  
"No Faith…" You just nodded.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
And with that we both began to cry. 


	3. Going Through the Motions

The next few weeks went by in a blur. I was numb to the world. My partner, my best friend, was dying and nothing could be done to stop it. We were left to sit back with you and wait for your time to come. And I hated it. I hated that you were getting sicker and losing your life and I was merely a spectator. I mean, you were good for a while. Then it hit you all at once and you got real sick real fast, signaling the end was near. You did stay at work for a while on desk duty. But even that was too much for you after a month or so and you left. After a while I started helping you out at home. I would come over in the morning and stay with you while the kids went to school and Fred went to work. Then when they came home I would go to work and the cycle would continue.  
  
Work was becoming harder and harder. Not just because you weren't there, but because everything reminded me that you weren't there. That you would never be there again. I worked with Gusler temporarily while they looked for a new partner for me. But I swear I will never have another partner Faith. No one could ever replace you.  
  
For the most part, you accepted your illness. I never understood why or how you could. But I didn't question it. It was too painful for me to do so. It did get you one day, however. I remember we were playing cards when you spoke out of the blue.  
  
"I want to go to Emily's pageant tomorrow night." I looked at you.  
  
"Faith, you can't. You're getting worse." I choked out the last part. I hated really talking about it.  
  
"Boz, I have to. I don't know how much longer I have and I want to be there for the kids as long as I can. I mean, I'll never see them graduate high school now, or get married, or hold my grandchildren…" You trailed off as the tears began to fall. I hadn't seen you cry in a while. And I understood your point. And it was your decision. And I did have the following day off because of the pageant. I reached across the table and put my hand on yours.  
  
"Tell you what, if you feel up to it then tomorrow night, once they leave, we can sneak out and you can surprise Emily, ok?" Your eyes twinkled with such gratitude and excitement that I had to smile.  
  
"Ok," you agreed.  
  
The following evening, you helped Em into her costume, wished her luck, and sent her on her way with Fred and Charlie. Fifteen minutes later, we were on our way as well. You chose a spot near the back of the auditorium, not wanting Fred to see you. I had noticed lately when I came over in the morning that he was acting very strange. Well, obviously he's going to act strange, I thought, his wife is dying. But this was different. Something was wrong. I didn't push though. You would tell me if something were bothering you now.  
  
The play was very cute. I remember Emily did great. You were just beaming with pride. Afterwards, I helped you to the front where Emily had just come out to meet Fred and Charlie. Upon seeing you, I thought she was going to explode. As you congratulated your daughter on her performance, Fred pulled me aside.  
  
"What do you think you're doing bringing her here?"  
  
"She wanted to be here for her daughter while she still can. There's no way I'm going to deny her that."  
  
"She's sick Boscorelli."  
  
"She's dying Fred. Let her live while she still can. Just look at her, how much good this must be doing her. And you're telling me that I shouldn't have let her have this?"  
  
With that left to sink in, I went to congratulate Emily. Fred, on the other hand, was ready to leave. He took the kids and said he would meet us at your apartment. So what if he was pissed? You were happy and that's all that mattered to me.  
  
You fell asleep in the car on the way home. You looked so peaceful that I didn't want to wake you when we finally got there so I carefully carried you up to your apartment. If Fred wasn't in a bad mood earlier, then he was definitely over the edge now. I laid you down on your bed, took of your shoes, and covered you up. I was going to just leave without a confrontation but Fred had another idea. He stopped me on my way out the door.  
  
"I don't want you coming over anymore." I didn't expect that one. I knew he was mad, but that was a bit much, even for him.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I said I don't want you coming over to see her again. We don't need your help anymore."  
  
"You're kidding right? She's my best friend and…" He cut me off.  
  
"And she's my wife. She needs her family now, and that's something you'll never be a part of."  
  
With that he went into the bedroom and shut the door, leaving me alone in the living room. So I left, promising myself that I wouldn't let him get to me…he was just upset.  
  
The next morning, I was getting ready to come over when you called.  
  
"Bosco?"  
  
"Hey Faith. I was just getting ready to come over. Is everything ok?"  
  
"No." You started crying.  
  
"Faith?"  
  
"Fred left me."  
  
"What?!?"  
  
He's gone Boz. He's…"  
  
"Stay right there. I'm on my way over."  
  
You were a wreck when I got there. It took some coaxing, but you finally managed to tell me what happened.  
  
"I woke up last night when I heard you and Fred fighting." You started. " He came into the bedroom and I asked him what his problem. He just sat down with his back to me for the longest time. Finally he said that he couldn't do it anymore. He couldn't sit around and wait and wonder when he would have to tell the kids that their mother was gone. We talked for a long time and he said that this was it. He gave up. He gave up on me. He gave up on us. Then he packed a few things and said that he would call me so I could arrange some time with the kids."  
  
I sat there dumbfounded. I couldn't believe what you just told me. It just couldn't be. But the pain and hurt in your entire demeanor confirmed it for me. Fred left you at the worst possible time. And even with all the emotions running inside you, I think that deep down you knew that you weren't alone, because I was there. I would always be there for you.  
  
We sat there for a while just staring at the wall. I glanced at the clock which read 2:30.  
  
"Hey, I'm going to call off work and make some coffee and we'll talk ok?"  
  
"Boz you don't have to call off…"you started, but I was already on the phone.  
  
As I made my way towards the kitchen, I turned back to look at you.  
  
"We'll get through this Faith," I whispered. "We'll get through this together. 


	4. The Cycle of Life

Author's note: Again, I can't thank you all enough for the wonderful response I have been getting. I'm so excited! And I know the last chapter was a little emotional, but hopefully this one makes up for it. Enjoy!  
  
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"Oh god Boz stop…I can't take it anymore…please…stop…" you cried out, doubling over with tears. It was getting to the point that I thought you were going to collapse, so I stopped. Finally, you calmed down enough to sit back up, but that was all it took to start you again.  
  
"I think I'm going to pee myself!" you cried out as you began to laugh uncontrollably all over again. I stood there with a huge smile on my face, the obvious reason for your laughter. With my spatula in one hand, an oversized chefs hat falling off my head, and an apron appropriately displaying 'Kiss Me, I'm Italian' how could you not laugh?  
  
I finished my 'Naked Chef' impression and served you breakfast – homemade French toast. Not bad, if I do say so myself. I made them with the hope that you would eat something. You had recently lost you appetite and it was already beginning to show.  
  
It was almost 2 ½ weeks since Fred left, and I had kept my promise to help you through everything. I was on vacation from work so I could be with you all the time. Eventually, commuting back and fort between our apartments became such a hassle that I moved in with you. It made things easier and also made me feel a lot better knowing you weren't alone. I vowed you would never be alone as long as I was around. It was a little awkward at first, but we quickly fell into a routine that was convenient for both of us. I was really enjoying your company and I guessed by your laughter that you enjoyed mine too.  
  
Fred did keep his promise to give you time with the kids. They came over almost every day and it lifted your spirits so much to see them I wish they would stay. But Fred took them back every night and you would regress once again.  
  
I remember we took them to the park one day. Because you wanted to watch them play. Charlie was digging something in the dirt and he called for you to come over and see. I was busy watching Emily practice her cartwheels so I didn't notice you get off the bench. The next thing I knew, Charlie was screaming. I jumped to see what had happened only to find that you were lying in the grass. You had fainted. I ran to your side and Charlie just kept screaming. Emily tried to calm him down, but it was no use. I'll never forget that sound of fear and confusion as long as I live. The shrill cry of "mom" echoed in my head as I tended to you. Within a matter of minutes you were conscious again, swearing that you just stood up too fast. But I insisted that you wait for the ambulance that I had already called to check you out.  
  
I have to laugh as I replay the next scene in my mind. I was helping you sit up when both Boy-55 and Adam-55 came to a screeching halt no more that 50 feet from us. Kim and Alex were out before Carlos and Doc, but all 4 gathered equipment with speed that amazed both of us. Seconds later, you were surrounded not only by paramedics, but by friends. You were looking at the commotion in disbelief as I stepped back to let them work and take it all in.  
  
Doc: "Faith, are you ok?"  
  
Kim: "What are you guys doing here?"  
  
Carlos: "What are we doing here? What are you doing here?"  
  
Alex: "Well it looks like we were responding to a call before you stole it from us."  
  
Carlos: "What? The call definitely came to us. You two ladies are the thieves."  
  
Alex: "Excuse me Neito? You wanna repeat that for me?"  
  
Kim: "Careful Carlos. She's gonna get pissed."  
  
Carlos: "Like I'm afraid of a girl. Come on Taylor. Show me what you got."  
  
Alex: "Oh, I'll show you alright…"  
  
At this, Doc jumped up from tending to you to break up the fight before it could start.  
  
Doc: "Hey now! You two know better than that!"  
  
Alex: "Sorry Doc."  
  
Carlos: "Yeah you should be sorry. Attacking me for no good reason!"  
  
Alex: "What?! You are unbelievable! Doc, I did not attack him! This was all his fault!"  
  
For a minute, I thought the fight was going to start up again, but Doc sensed it too and wasn't about to let that happen.  
  
Doc: "Enough! In case you two haven't noticed, we do have a patient here and you are in a public park! Now Carlos, go take Faith's BP. Alex, Kim thank you for your help, but I think we can handle this."  
  
Kim: "Well thank you Doc, but I think we can handle this. It was our call after all."  
  
Carlos: "No it wasn't!"  
  
Doc: "Carlos! Can't you ever just shut up and do what you're told?"  
  
Alex: *snickers*  
  
Doc: "He does have a point though. It was our call and…"  
  
With that the fight was on. As it began to escalate, I heard one voice overpowering the others.  
  
"Hey! HEY!"  
  
All at once the arguing stopped and 4 pairs of eyes turned to look at you. You stood up to face your friends.  
  
"You guys are worse than my kids! Now, I really appreciate your help and concern, but if we're done here, I'd like to go home."  
  
Doc was the first one brave enough to speak.  
  
"As long as you're feeling ok Faith. Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital? Carlos and I can take you…"  
  
"Or Kim and I can," Alex broke in.  
  
"That's ok. I'll be fine. I just want to go home. Are you ready Boz?"  
  
I nodded, trying to hide my smile. "I'm ready. Emily? Charlie?"  
  
While the entire event was hysterical (I thought Alex was going to rip Carlos apart!), it was also very touching to see all those colleagues who were so concerned for you that they fought to give you medical care. And I knew you were touched too because you knew that your friends would always be there for you and would never forget you.  
  
Later that night, I dropped the kids off with Fred. They were still a little shaken up by your fainting spell, so I wanted to make sure they were going to be ok. As we were leaving, you settled down on the couch and began flipping through the channels on TV. I was shutting the door when I heard you mumble something about there being nothing on. When I got back, you were still flipping through the channels.  
  
"Still can't find anything?" Click.  
  
"Nope." Click.  
  
"Really?" Click.  
  
"Yep." Click.  
  
"That sucks." Click.  
  
"Yep." Click.  
  
I came around the couch and sat down next to you.  
  
"How bout this?" I handed you the movie I decided to rent while I was out.  
  
"Boz, I love this movie!"  
  
"I know. So you get it ready, and I'll make some popcorn."  
  
"I don't think we have any popcorn. Sorry."  
  
"I got you covered. I picked some up while I was out."  
  
Your face lit up.  
  
"Ok! I'll get the movie ready and you make the popcorn."  
  
10 minutes later we were all set. I sat down on the end of the couch; you came over and sat down next to me. And I don't know what made me do it, but I opened my arms to you. After a brief hesitation, you curled up against me and I wrapped my arms around you. And with my feet propped up on the table, a bowl of popcorn on my lap, and you in my arms, I couldn't imagine a more perfect moment.  
  
  
  
Well, maybe if we weren't watching The Sound of Music. 


	5. A Little Taste of Life

Author's note: Again, thank you all so much for the wonderful reviews…it makes my day when I come in here and read what everyone thinks of my work. And I want to apologize for this update taking so long. I started a new job and lets just say that it takes up a lot of my time – my first day I worked almost 12 hours straight! It's crazy! Anyways, on with the story!  
  
  
  
  
  
As time went on, we grew closer and closer. We tried to have a "movie night" at least once a week. I was really enjoying spending time with you and getting to know you even better than Fred probably did. We had some really long, intimate conversations, something I'm not used to with anyone. I was finally able to completely open up to you about everything, including my childhood, and it felt really good to have someone that I care for so much reflect those feelings back at me. I've never felt that before. And I remember one night Ty and Alex stopped by and I was telling all this to Ty and he just looked at me with this stupid grin on his face.  
  
"Uh-oh," he snickered.  
  
"What?"  
  
"I think you already know."  
  
"Know what? What are you talking about?"  
  
"Never mind. It's nothing."  
  
"No come on. What?"  
  
"It's just…"  
  
"What?"  
  
"The way you talk about her."  
  
"So? What about it?"  
  
"Oh come on Bosco. It's obvious man."  
  
"Well it can't be that obvious if I have no idea what you're talking about."  
  
"Please. You can tell me."  
  
"Tell you what?!? Davis, what the hell are you talking about?!?"  
  
"Bosco…you're in love with her."  
  
"With Faith? Oh come on man, she's my best friend and everything…"  
  
"Yeah, that's not all she is."  
  
"Hey! Don't you talk about Yokas that way. Besides, I'm not in love with her."  
  
"Right."  
  
"I'm serious!"  
  
"Ok man. Whatever you say."  
  
I was convinced that Davis had lost it. I mean, I love you and everything Faith, but I'm not in love with you. I kept telling myself that, but the more I denied it, the harder it was to do so. Maybe…no. Not possible. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. What if?  
  
Anyway, like I said, we had grown very close. So close in fact that I was able to pick up on the fact that your condition was steadily continuing to deteriorate. There were just some small little things that you tried to hide from me, but I knew better. There was nothing that you could hide from me anymore. You realized this eventually and had to swallow your pride as the doctor increased your dosage of painkillers. The drugs that you had been taking as a final vain attempt to fight the disease had long been abandoned and replaced with drugs to help ease your physical pain, which was becoming almost unbearable. I could see it every time you moved. The slow, stiff movements that once came so easy to you were now a struggle. I wish I could've taken it all away, but there was nothing I could do except be there.  
  
Then one morning about a week before Christmas, I was making breakfast when I heard a thud. I ran to the bedroom to find you on the floor at the foot of your bed. The pain had finally become too much for you to bear and you collapsed. I put you back in bed and called the your doctor. He sent an ambulance over to put in an IV so you could receive a steady dose of painkillers. He came by later that night to check on you, and as he left he said the most horrifying thing to me.  
  
"It won't be long now. I'm sorry."  
  
I was too stunned to say anything. As he let himself out, I just stood there. Somewhere deep inside of me I knew you didn't have much time left, but it was all brought to my immediate attention with those words. I had to force myself to finally enter the bedroom and face you. I prepared myself to be strong before I did enter so I could comfort you. But I didn't have to. Even with your IV, the dark circles under your eyes, and the pillows helping you sit up, you looked like you were at peace. Almost like you were relieved to hear that you didn't have to fight much longer. And while I can't blame you, I couldn't and didn't want to believe it either. As I walked towards you, I could feel the tears rising inside me. You gave a sympathetic smile and I completely broke down. I collapsed into your open arms and just held on to you, hoping to will it all away. With each tear that fell, I wanted to wash away all the pain. But it was no use. It hurt more than anything. We just sat there clinging to each other for a long, long time, eventually succumbing to exhaustion.  
  
When I awoke the next morning, you were sound asleep beside me, your head on my chest. I lay there for about an hour just holding you. It was so soothing to hear your breathing in and out, feeling the rise and fall of your chest next to mine along with the steady, rhythmic beating of your heart and your soft, warm skin touching mine. It was the most wonderful feeling I've ever felt. So much peace; a calm, contented peace. And as my mind wandered, I came back to the conversation that I had with Ty about us. I had been thinking about it a lot lately, and laying there with you I realized he was right. I was in love with you. I was hopelessly and madly in love with you Faith. And it was a little scary and amazing all at once, just like you.  
  
Fred brought the kids over later that day. I had called him to tell him what the doctor had said, so he stayed to visit with you too. I was hard for all of them, so they didn't stay long, but they came back every day to see you and watch your condition decline rapidly before their eyes. It was hard, but they always came with a smile and a hug, and I honestly believe that it helped.  
  
On Christmas Eve, Fred, Emily, and Charlie came over for dinner, which had to be held in the bedroom because you could no longer get out of bed, even with my help. It was just too painful and too stressful for you body to handle. Your family didn't stay long that night both because you were in such bad shape and needed your rest, and because they were coming back the following morning to spend Christmas with you.  
  
After they left, I cleaned up and came to lay with you like I did every night now. You were already asleep when I came in though, so I very quietly pulled a chair up to sit with you. You looked like an angel lying there, I swear. So beautiful, so strong, and so brave. I brushed a strand of hair out of your face and gently stroked your cheek. Then for some reason, I just started talking.  
  
"Oh Faith. We've had our share of ups and downs over the years, now haven't we? But it always seems like we have more downs. I don't know why that is. I mean, you're certainly not a bad person, so why do you keep getting dealt all this bull? You deserved so much more out of life than you got. But you were always thankful for what you had and you were always thinking about everyone else. Like me. I don't know how I got so lucky to have someone like you in my life, but I'm so glad I did. You were my saving grace. My guardian angel. My best friend Faith. And somewhere I always knew you were important to me. You were special. But it took me this long to realize just how special." I paused to look up at you and saw that your eyes were open.  
  
"Sorry. I didn't mean to wake you.:  
  
"You didn't." Your reply was so weak, you sounded like a small child.  
  
"How much did you hear?"  
  
"All of it."  
  
"No, you didn't. I have one more thing to say."  
  
"What?" you whispered.  
  
Here goes nothing.  
  
"Faith, I'm in love with you. And I have been for a while. I just realized it too late and I'm sorry."  
  
Our eyes met and you smiled.  
  
"It's not too late Boz if you get to tell me. And I have always loved you too, but as my life is taken from me, I have fallen in love with you as well. I love everything about you, and I especially love the way you love me."  
  
"Wait, you knew?"  
  
"I hoped."  
  
"I love you Faith."  
  
"I love you Bosco."  
  
My heart leapt. You loved me too! I couldn't wait any longer. I leaned down to you. Our lips touched as we shared our first kiss. The most incredible sensation radiated throughout me, my senses tingling. This was real love. Real pure love, something I had never truly experienced. You had once again given me the opportunity to experience something absolutely amazing. Something that I had never experienced before. I broke away to look at you, but your eyes stayed closed. I gave you a gentle nudge.  
  
"Faith? Faith?"  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
*Only one more chapter to go…. 


	6. Life or Something Like It

Ok, I know it's been so long since I updated that most of you probably gave up on me. And I don't blame you. I do have a laundry list of excuses for why I haven't posted in forever, but I figured that rather than list them all out, I'd just get on with the concluding chapter. I hope you all can forgive me! Enjoy!  
  
The first rays of the morning sun were just beginning to kiss the freshly fallen blanket of snow. Church bells were already ringing out peaceful melodies of the glorious day. All over the city, parents were being awakened by the rustling of small children trying to sneak a peek at what Santa had left them. Christmas morning. A magical time when it seems that peace on earth could actually happen as hope and faith are temporarily restored. I only wish I could share in the joyous feeling, but I don't think I will be able to ever again. Looking out the window of your apartment, I reflected on the events that played themselves out merely a few hours ago. It was the most wonderful moment of my entire existence. I felt love - I gave love and I received love. I turned to look at your bed. Just few hours ago, I had confessed my love to you and you returned it. We shared our first kiss right there. It was indescribable. And while I never wanted it to end, I pulled away just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I looked at you but you didn't look back. You didn't move. Our first kiss. It was the most bittersweet of moments because out first kiss was also our last. Your last breath was spent on me. The happiest moment of my life turned out to be the most painful. You died in my arms just after midnight, making it Christmas Day. The birthday of Christ and the death of my faith, my Faith. The rest of that day was and is a blur to me. I didn't remember calling your doctor, but they came to take you away. I didn't remember calling Fred but he and the kids were there. I didn't remember talking to Emily or Charlie, but I held them both as they cried. I don't even remember crying myself. I felt sick. I feel sick. Not being able to hold it any longer, I tear myself from the memory and run to the bathroom, expelling the contents of my stomach. When I finish, I lean back against the wall and it all comes back to me, and I cry. A soft whimper at first that soon erupts and I'm in a ball on the floor shaking uncontrollably. "Oh God Faith, it hurts so much. Everyday I think it's going to get better and it just hurts more!" Suddenly, I feel arms envelop me in a warm embrace and hear a soothing voice comforting me. As my sobs subside, I recognize the voice as yours. I don't dare move though, I just listen as your voice enters my mind. "My Bosco. My sweet and wonderful Bosco. I can't begin to describe how much having you in my life meant to me. You were my constant in uncertainty, my light in the darkness, my life in this world. And I will always be grateful. But please, don't cry for me anymore. I'm in a better place and I'm always watching over you. I will always be with you, and my heart will always be yours. I love you Bosco, never forget that." "I love you too Faith," I whisper and I stand up to begin my new life. "I will always love you."  
  
COULD IT BE ANY HARDER by: The Calling found on: Camino Palmero  
  
You left me with goodbye and open arms A cut so deep I don't deserve You were always invincible in my eyes The only thing against us now is time  
  
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true If I only had one more day  
  
I lie down and blind myself with laughter A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing And now I wish that I could turn back the hours But I know I just don't have the power  
  
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true If I only had one more day  
  
I'd jump at the chance, We'd drink and we'd dance And I'd listen close to your every word, As if it's your last, I know it's your last, Cause today, oh, you're gone.  
  
Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true If I only had one more day  
  
Like sand on my feet, The smell of sweet perfume You stick to me forever baby And I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go, I wish you didn't go away To touch you again, With life in your hands, It couldn't be any harder.harder.harder  
  
A/N: Well that's it.don't be mad at me, I didn't want to kill her but it sounds like that's what happens in the song which inspired the story. So, now that I finally got around to finishing, I was wondering if you, the readers, feel that I should try another one or should I stop at this one? Thank you for any and all input and keep on writing! 


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